Marthamphetamines

Consider this a public service announcement.

Yesterday I walked into Michael’s Arts and Crafts only to be confronted with The Great Wall of Martha Stewart. Having expanded out from the world of K-mart bedding and housewares, Martha has sunk her teeth into us scrapbookers. Believe it or not, I say “sunk her teeth into” with a certain amount of affection. I imagine it is akin to what a beautiful fruit tart would feel before being devoured—that is if fruit tarts had feelings. Anyway, that scrapping would be a worthy cause for she-who-does-not-half-ass-anything, should be a sense of pride for our craft.

I like to believe that if I KNOW I’m being manipulated, then I’m not truly being manipulated. I look at those boxes and packages in that signature color that is all at once aqua, celadon, and teal, and I know. I know a team of marketers did months of trend research and appeal research to pick the perfect color for Martha’s craft line. And it is perfect. In fact, it screams perfect, in that “use our inside voices” kind of way. There’s a magnetism to that color. Not only does it draw you in, but it draws the products to themselves. All of a sudden the bone folder, craft punch, and the gift bag kit seem inexorably connected and it WILL NOT DO to have one without the others.

Or maybe it is the font. Or the names in multiple languages. It isn’t JUST a bone folder. It is a “plegadera de hueso” for Maria in Mexico, or a “plieuse os ” for Isabelle in France. It is an instrument of international craftiness!

Or maybe it is the careful application of color theory. Dark chocolate brown compliments Martha aquacelateal beautifully. Like the products themselves, those colors become inseparable, incapable of solitary existence–the yin & yang of the chromatic world.

No, I haven’t lost my mind–just my will. I pull the bone folder/plegadera/plieuse off the Great Wall of Martha, noting the refined metal hook attached to the package. Those things that hang on Martha’s Wall will hang elegantly! It comes in its own plastic case, lined with a dots that are… yes…in Martha aquacelateal.

The bone folder, made of melamine/melamina/mélamine, is smooth as ivory, unmarked except for

Martha\'s bone folder

It is etched in there so that your thumb will press against the holy name as you score, crease, and burnish. TACTILE marketing!!
And before you can say “It’s a Good Thing!,” the bone folder is accompanied in your basket by 70 tags (in Martha aquacelateal), 60 “blue” dimensional gem stickers (which we know are REALLY aquacelateal), and 24 satin ivory photo corners that are likely to be ten times more stunning than the photos themselves.

I’m lost. Support group, anyone?

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2 Responses to “Marthamphetamines”


  1. 1 kimmerbe June 13, 2008 at 8:33 pm

    LOL! I have not been drawn to her web, yet. I just don’t see her products being worth the prices. BUT, with the 40% off Michael’s discount, I have been prone to pulling out my wallet/aka credit card on one or two occasions…;)

  2. 2 Christine August 26, 2008 at 9:39 am

    Ha! I know just what you mean. I like to walk past the Great Wall of Martha Stewart too, but I rarely look too long at any of her products. If I do, I’m afraid I won’t be able to stop myself from buying anything.


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